Many have whined and continue to whine about how Delhi society is very insular. This handy W+K insider guide will enable you to infiltrate the capital’s social scene by sounding like a punjabi playa.
1. Establish your buying power
Assuming you can get invited to a party or gatecrash one, elbow into the large groups of prosperous-looking men propping up the bar. They’re likely to be talking about buying a new car or property. Ask them how much it costs, and then snap your fingers and shout ‘Just pikkidup, yaar!‘. Then cut down to a simple ‘Pikkidup!’ whenever someone mentions expensive things. This never fails to impress.
2. Order drinks with authority
When you’ve sucked your whisky dry, don’t simper at the bartender for a refill. Yell ‘Chief!‘ at the nearest waiter, and then tell him to bring you a large one. Don’t ever thank the waiter, but pat his back once in a while in a condescending sort of way and ask him why he’s being miserly with the booze. Fussing over the type/quality of alcohol is considered ungracious and weak. Sticking your pinkie straight out when you hold your glass impresses some people. Slurring is definitely good form.
3. Ask people how much they earn
Seriously. People like it. If they ask you how much you earn: exaggerate if you get paid a modest amount; downplay if you earn shitloads.
4. Ask people where they live
‘Where do you put up?’ is as important as ‘How much do you earn?’. Remember that you will be quizzed on the value of your property or how much rent you pay.
5. Spend all your money on a flash car
Sell everything if necessary. Call your Mercedes a ‘Merc’ or a ‘Sitara’ (star), and for Audis/BMWs, use model numbers only e.g. Q7, X5, A6, etc. If you have an X6, you will be respected. If you drive a Panamera or similar exotica, you can behave like a total arse and everyone will still love you.
6. Get the details right
No matter how posh or rich you are, you need to pronounce certain words incorrectly in order to fit in:
‘Declare’ is ‘DeClayer‘
‘Farm’ is ‘Form‘
‘America’ is ‘Amarrica‘
If you’re a true playa, Rs 200,000 is not ‘2 Lakhs’, it’s ‘Two bucks’
Usage: ‘I pikkedup a first class seat on Emirates for two bucks, buddy.’
In corporate society, it’s considered cool to roll your R’s. For example, ‘Numberrs‘, or the slightly scary ‘Rrestoraantey’. Avoid corporate people if possible. It’s not worth it.
7. Bad language
Hindi curse words are mandatory in casual conversation, so feel free (sadly this blog’s editorial policy does not permit us to list vulgarities).
8. Dress code
All-black works every time, everywhere. Expensive shoes, handbag and watch are mandatory. Buff physique is optional.